Diskreter Seiteneingang (I wanna satisfy this night)
>>There was nothing to say. Or to do. Nothing left. Because. Just Cause nobody was leaving. She wasn't left, I wasn't left or lost, neither leaving. Except my hair. My hair seemed lost. Then I opened my mouth. My teeth were nearly okay, but far away from great. These trousers, I used to wear, they were amazing. Really, they still are, I still have them. Of course, I needed help, this was obvious. But. Who cares? I do. More or less. More. And then, that little slottering began. It made it real. Absolutely. But. Shit, I loved it. No way. Seemed not to get boring, at no point. If there was a, why?, no idea, point. The point is not. Nice to meet ya too.. No point, straight ahead. No head. An end of a tragedy at the same time. A small step, without direction, fluent. I hardly recognize her hand. I wanted to kiss. Quick. But her hair. Nice hair cut. Self made. I promise. I fell in love with it. And the thing I wasn't expecting, no doubt, was that I was prepared. For everything. No surprise. No schock. The first time it happened, as I knew it would. No cheating necessary. I did it, course, but it was not necessary. I apreciate this. Then this silence. Don't hurry! Beach..Clean..Come Back! Please not. I noticed, there was someone around. I wasn't afraid. She was. I'm quite cool. How comes? You wouldn't believe. I felt great. Not that kind of feeling, after doing something unbelievable, winning against yourself, and so one, you know what I mean, don't you?. No, better, not needed to think about. About it. I haven't done anything. I promise. Okay, you know it anyway. You believe me. I never ly. To come in contact with that, with that you always tried to be. No chance to get rid of it again. Sure, you do not want to get rid of it. Nobody would. But. What if, what would happen, when you wanted to, would you be able to? But. Suddenly. No it was not yet. Something happened in between. What? This picture in my head, not painted, but not real, more like, yeah as if somebody filmed, what happened and then painted over it with a pencle. The picture was about two boys, running against each other, jump up, hit each other with their chests and fall down on the hard, very old floor out of very, very old wood. Looks a little bit like a dance floor, but very, very old. Used. Useful. Okay that happened not between, but I saw this in my head. That was, what I was thinking about, in this moment. A moment in which your chest gets a feeling of warm water, boiling inside you, while at the same time your fingers freeze down to twelve degrees. And now. Suddenly, is what I wanted to say. Only seven minutes and twenty seconds before it started becoming the best thing you've ever done, you did something not planned. Just cause, because you did not want to destroy this perfect aura, in that you were walking around, congratulating yourself, so the fear, or what ever it seemed to be, told you to do the most secur thing you could do and in that lied the big doubt, which is working in your head now: you stopped. There were signs, that's true. I do not mean her breath, you could hear. You felt unbelievable and that, that was the reason to stop & turn around, not even her breath could hold you back. You kissed goodbye in an emotionless kind of way, that couldn't be any crueler. You were honest and friendly, did nothing wrong. You're so ugly, öähh … I wanna smack in your fucking face. And her hair still looked fantastic and you did too. No scares to tell about, no fear, nothing you did wrong, except the thing you didn't do wrong. No way. I'm afraid of me. And just because I'm fearless. And then, what happened then? You pissed against the wall. And I still remember the words written on the wall, a few were broken down, but I did understand the meaning. Meant that we all are little romantic lovers inside. Never tried anything else. It's all just like anything else. But it still hurts. I could cry, if I could. I remember everything.
And all this fear. What for? For what. Or is there definitely a point when you can say I did enough. I mean like trying to get, what you've been looking for. This warm feeling. Like holding up yourself in these moments. In all these ups and downs. Holding up yourself, with two or three fingers, like having them in a vagina. And what is this all for, when you don't have the time to hold your fingers in a vagina. For what else you're existing. Anything else. Being stronger than your strongest part in your body. The hardest part. And you did again. You're beautiful, but the circumstances are extreme. And so I ruined everything. Only for the reason to sleep better, without feeling guilty. Most powerful. I won't be part of I'm trying to be, but I can't hide away from what I want to be. What you want to be? I wanna be a sense in all I do. But the sense made the feeling hurt, in a very ugly kind of way. And finding a sense in all the things you're doing is like living, but without the living part of living. Are you lonsome? Yes I'm not. Loads of cement. And it's to late to open the shoes and jump out of it, you have to wear them out. Out of cement. Out of everything you ever wanted to be. To be more than just a pulse, always a second faster than yourself. And every time steps on your toe, but when I realize the pain, you're out of sight and I recognize that I ran, but to slow that you can't stand on my feet, for the second it takes to leave a green-blue sign, caused by the pressure.<< …..